Saturday, November 28, 2009

Regret. Refresh. Rejoice. Reload.

Gosh, I have typed and erased an opening line so many times now, its ridiculous!

It's our wedding anniversary today. Five years. And I decided to begin it (well precede it) with a fight. Because I suffer from this 'occasion' trap syndrome. And I let my doubts over our differences swirl around my head with cigarette smoke. Thought of really cruel things to say, said some as well. From a smiling face, Nino's Dad when to a rather familiar place, silence. And as I sat twirling rogan josh on my plate while Nino chattered nineteen to a dozen, I realised how I'd come so close to not having a wedding anniversary today. How grateful I was that we were still together, still a family, disjointed and imperfect perhaps, but a tangible part of each other's lives.

Nino's Dad doesn't get ticked off too easily, and when he does, his forgiveness or peace takes a while to come. Just one of our many differences. When I hugged him and said sorry, I counted the 20 seconds it took his arm to come around and hug me as well. But it did. And it stayed there as I muttered my sheepish self-analysis. And my heartfelt gratitude that he'd walked those necessary steps towards me when we were faltering.

I wanted to share this with you - you know, because well, you've had a sorta ring-side view to the venting of my pain - and I realised I'm awkward, gauche when it comes to writing about the good stuff.

Maybe it is easier for me to share my pain. I know it well, and I've words and songs and silences that give it a familiar form. Joy? Ah, that. See, pain is one complete, all encompassing feeling. Joy is schizophrenic. There's happiness, glee, joy.... it's too dependent on someone else to be truly mine.

But that is where I'm wrong. I've read and known enough to know both pain and joy come from within us - someone else is just a convenient tangent.

As I sit here on my bed, still in pj's, a nicely scrubbed up Nino staring at the tv with an open mouth, and Nino's Dad sleeping through the noise, I'm happy. Not the delirious version. The content, calm one. Perhaps happiness has as many versions as me!

We plan to spend the evening with the one thing all three of us love: food. Nino and Nino's Dad will cook, mumma will play dj. In between I will groan about how long the food is taking, how the two chefs only want me to chop and clean but not stand with them. Then I'll sulk out of the kitchen and fight back that stinging happiness in my eyes as I hear them chuckling with laughter together.

18 comments:

Gauri Gharpure said...

Congratulations... guess ups and downs bring us closer, let us know how much we are ready to endure and till when.. some upsets are good for a marriage and 5 years is a wonderful milestone.. wishing long-lasting togetherness to the happy trio!

Gauri Gharpure said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Swati said...

The warmest wishes for your continuing happiness. Hope our thoughts so wafted towards you fill up your home with fragrance and warmth.

dipali said...

Quiet joy is the stuff that lasts! Wishing you and your family a lifetime of quiet joy together.
And some noisy, exciting and ecstatic moments too:) God bless.

ChoxBox said...

Here's to a long road ahead with/without the bumps :)

Ma Ananda Atmapreeta said...

Your hubby cooks?!!! Lets exchange, at least for a week!

Happy happy wedding birthday to both of you. May you become the eleventh child of each other.

This is a part of the wedding mantras uttered during the vedic times, it means may you become such good friends by the eleventh year of marriage, that you are like a child to each other.

Turquoise stone said...

Hiya NM! Its been a while. I LOVE your new picture. Happy Anniversary and good wishes. I'm back at turquoisestone.blogspot.com

Momstir

Anonymous said...

Hey Nino's mum, loved this post. You have expressed your feelings so well. May God bless you, Nino and Nino's dad with various hues of joy.

Best wishes,
Anjali

Anupama said...

Hi
your post really moved me...i think for most of us happiness is like a little butterfly...the more we go after it the furthur it will fly away but if we just stop to enjoy it for what it is it may come and rest on our fingers..enjoy the moment 4 what it is!!! I'm a pretty new blogger..would be honoured if u could check out my space www.mom-of-all-trades.blogspot.com

preetischronicle said...

Congratulations on the 5 years milestone, and wishing you both many more!
take each day as it comes and happiness...ever elusive...sigh

:)

Nino's Mum said...

Gauri - thankyou!

Swati - mail coming your way. much love.

Dipali - thankyou... and a big hug. Hope your mum gets better soon.

chox - :D

Atmapreeta - hahaha :) he cooks - and I can't! thankyou for that beautiful wish - Its the first time I've heard of it and it's beautiful and touching.

Turquoise stone - I've been wondering about you Momstir! love.

Anajli - tiggght hug. and thankyou!

Anupama - welcome here and thankyou!

Preeti - awww... thankyou! How have you been?

sher khan said...

Happy wedding anniversary :-) Njoi the days ahead and stay strong!

MiM said...

more than your togetherness...


it's a kind of oasis of personal peace that i'm thinking you have reached.

... hold on to that nino's mum

(did you find that book, yet?)

Sands said...

Happy Anniversary NM and here's wishing you all the joy in your new beginnings. New beginnings 'coz of the new found calm, content and happiness :)

Cantaloupes.Amma (CA) said...

A very Happy Anniversary !
It gets a little rough sometimes ... but I am so glad you are able to sail through it.
Enjoy your time together and let me know what Nino's dad cooked :)

SBora said...

congratulations and hope you had a wonderful anniversary...did father and son cook up a storm for their favorite girl?

Nino's Mum said...

Sher khan - thankyou!

MinM - :) I sure hope so... Haven't gotten the book yet - this week.

Sands - hahaha! aap ke muh mein ghee - shakkar!

CA/SBora - thankyou so much! Nino's Dad and Nino made some totally succlent (and fattening) kasmiri chicken which was dripping in ghee. And then we'd slurpy paya curry. :) Topped up with orange and vanilla pasteries. Oh and did I mention that we started out with Aglio Olio?!

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