Thursday, October 1, 2009

A breakthrough, and some thank-you's

"Remember, the desires that are in our souls do not come from the nothingness; someone put them there. And this someone, who is pure love and only wishes our happiness, only did it because he gave us, together with these desires, the tools to make them happen."

- Paulo Coelho

I've, for a large part of my life and perhaps subconsciously, without giving it much thought, tied my 'identity' to what I seeked at that particular time. Seeker of wisdom, then love, sometimes strength, often patience.

Some searches seem eternal, overlapping with other things in life, sometimes they lie hidden underneath circumstances, coming up for air just when I'm concentrating on other things. That is why perhaps I feel like I've always been a mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law. My searches transcended my social or cultural status - and they remained, even when tags changed.

Love, of all these searches, remains one of the most perplexing ones. It's not easy to seek it, neither to ignore it, neither to remain unaffected by it. All of us give love our heart, our soul, our best shot: I give it my rage too.

I've been raging in love for what seems like forever now - actually if I read my diary it'll number in years, but I'm too scared to look back and actually acknowledge how long - and I've raged against and for, both.

I seek it all, in one person. Not an easy burden to bear, but one that Nino's Dad wore with ease once. Somewhere I changed too soon, and I felt he'd remained the guy I dated and fell crazily in love with. Perhaps that was the beginning of the rage, of my search for what I perceived as understanding of my changed self. Perceptions of change, change more frequently than change itself, so it was a flawed premise to begin a search on. Something like using multiple compasses, when often, it's the milestone on the road that you miss.

Over these last few months, the rage turned from supernova to black-hole, eclipsing my other searches, bits of things that make me the whole that I am. There were several precipices, and last week, a turning point like never before. But there was a breakthrough - one in which we resembled silhouettes of the same two people who'd first started out, acknowledging our differences and attracted by the learnings in them, sharing a cold kota-stone bench on a windless night. And we remained there sitting together, even though the silhouettes had changed so much in these eight years.

I wouldn't call it a truce. Far from it. My rage to fight for love remains stronger than ever. I don't know the directions ahead as well, but I know that for now, I'm in an oasis, after a blistering journey. One where I learnt to take the wisdom of the wise, and pick the lessons that fit me - not the lessons that were guaranteed to work, just the lessons that let me remain a seeker, and yet, sane.

I don't believe the breakthrough was co-incidental. Read Paulo Coelho above? In these last few months, unacknowledged searches had come to the fore - searching for purpose, for meaning, for friendship, for spiritual guidance. And I'd found my tools too: both within and those outside.

We call them different names perhaps, tools or angels or friends or guiding spirits or the yings for our yangs. And while I found a few, a few found me. T. Suj. MinM. Nitya. Swati. Dipali. Sole. And also Anjali, Chox, Ra, Alty, Broom, Neel Kamal, OJ, GonTB. And me.

I thought of some of you during the 8th day of Navratri, before the breakthrough (I like how I call it!) on Saraswati pooja day. A 28-year-old who din't need her pens, books, laptop blessed as much as she need some names on her blog-roll blessed. Blessings of the divine spirit for these givers of the wisdom that I've needed to remain who I am truly at heart: a perpetual, tireless, seeker.

Thank you. I wouldn't have made it this far without you.


ra said...

you darling girl, will always be your own best guiding spirit, and have been lighting up lives far away from yours, this one included, without knowing it. So thank you for the thanks, but give that something special that you have within the biggest thanks of all.

Sands said...

Hugs to you NM.

Sujatha said...

Ra took the words out of my mouth, NM. That is what I meant when I said you've helped me in ways even I don't know yet, without even meaning to. Just imagine what you'd do if you actually set out to help someone. I love your spirit and your heart. Hugs and thank you right back.

sole said...

NM, whatever anyone says or does , any change truly comes from within and it's the effort that you put in to get the desired result. So kudos to you for having overcome all the negativity. Thank you for just being u and giving what you've given us :). Hugs..

Broom said...

sending you an email.

OrangeJammies said...

I'm stunned. I truly am. I don't believe I've affected anything more than a rocking chair in my whole life. But thanks, I accept with both hands and a slightly dazed smile.

I recognize that raging spirit. In my case, it's labeled angst. But it's there, a blessing and a burden, and I wish you fire in the belly and some hammocks along the way. Rest, dear girl. I can't emphasize that enough.


Swati said...

Email on the way :)

nitya said...

I am just being nice to you in the hope that you will let me meet Nino someday. There, I confessed. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Nino's mum, you made my eyes water! In fact just this morning you came in my thoughts while I was in my puja room.

God bless you and all your near and dear ones Nino's mum! And may you have and share lots of love, lots of peace and great cheer! May both of you be kind to each other. May both of you love each other and yourselves.

Hugs and best wishes,

VJ said...

Very true !!!
Blogdom gives me answers and the people knowingly or unknowingly guide me

dipali said...

I'm more touched than I can say, Nino's Mum. I thank all the gods that exist for this wonderful sisterhood that so many of us share. AS you can see, I've cheered up too:)
God bless.

Solilo said...

Touching post, NM! as always.

Bless you and all your friends. There are times when you need true girl friends to just be you.

choxbox said...

storms come and go nm, but they help us find bits of strength which we never knew existed in us.

wordjunkie said...

A beautiful post, NM.

And was thrilled to see you mentioned in a DH article recently.

Aneela Z said...

tauba NM dostee ka ek asool hai no sorry no thankyou...just pay it forward sweetheart next time you see someone low.
Aneela aka Neel Kamal

Aneela Z said...

tauba NM dostee ka ek asool hai no sorry no thankyou...just pay it forward sweetheart next time you see someone low.
Aneela aka Neel Kamal

mim said...

god bless, my friend.

Henri said...

Identify with this so much! My diaries, I burnt them all, I want to stop raging - love - simple! Being honest is tough, but the fruits of it are incomparable.