Monday, July 13, 2009

The crosses that we bear

It's been so long since I wrote here: and it seems even longer considering how much my earlier posts seem so much different to who I am these days.

How often I have thought of all of you in these past few weeks: tossing over in the night, everytime Nino said anything funny, everytime I made a memory that made life worthwhile, with all its precipices.

I'm an honest wordsmith - my words are my confession-box, and they are perfectionists when it comes to exorcising demons, those that dwell within each one of us, that push us and despair us in equal measure. It is this - this cross of truth that I will have to share if I write about it, but can't because it is not fair - that has prevented me from writing here in this space that I share with you.

All is not well: but perhaps you know it, women tend to have a sixth connection with the not-so-happy things in life. I can't show you my sorrows here: not so much because I sometimes suffer from my mother's inherited don't-wash-your-linen-in-public values, but because it is not fair, not to the one who will inevitably be crucified on this cross.

I have tried - even gone so far as to starting to write a post about other things - before giving up. I'm not a small talk woman (something that has made me hugely unpopular at the school gate mums' club!) and I can't escape this sadness that pervades my body and my soul, my words and my secretly-shed-in-the-office-bathroom tears.

Thank you for checking on me time and again, for investing time and affection, for reaching out to check if things were okay. I'm empty and battered right now - and even the deep recesses of my being are empty and bereft of things to say to you, although I want to, so badly.

And unexpectedly or perhaps as the cliches predicted, Nino continues to make me marvel at my own resilience, my survival instinct that kicks in everytime, albeit with a timing that's slightly off. He is testament to my faith that life will find me once again.

I hope I have tided over my reluctance to come here: and I hope I will now come here more often: to talk to you, to hear you and to be healed by what you have to say. Much love my dear friends, much, much love. You, every single one of you, is my thoughts. Big hug to all the babies.

26 comments:

choxbox said...

huge big fat hugs.

whatever it is, it too will pass. it always does.

sher khan said...

God gives problems to ONLY those who can handle them. So if you are facing that then always remeber its because YOU ARE STRONG and will emerge victorious :-)

Everything will be fine and bad times will always be replaced by good times.
smile :-) God bless you.

Swati said...

Hang in there; mail on way.

Altoid said...

Love you right back NM, you've been in my thoughts too(coincidentally), its just that I never ventured to get my lazy butt out here and leave you a note! You hang in there and keep the faith yo!

Jadoo ki jhappi for ya.

nitya said...

I am sorry things are not going well. Lotsa love and hugs to Nino and you. Take care!

sole said...

tight hugs...I feel for you and i hope this passes soon. I've missed reading you and hope you get back to being yourself soon!Take care,lots of prayers and love.

MinM said...

What in the world? Nino's Mum?
you sound BEYOND sad. may i be of some help?
I am here at maidinmalaysia@gmail.com

dipali said...

Huge hugs, Nino's mum. May tomorrow bring sunshine.

Sands said...

Hang in there girl. This too shall pass. Miss reading about Nino and you. Hope to see you here soon with your spirit revived :) Hugs!!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there...things will get better.

Good luck.

M

OrangeJammies said...

So THAT'S the all's-not-well feeling I've been carrying around. A bear hug to you and Nino, hon. And if there's anything at all I can do, just holler. You have my email address, let me know if you need my number.

Solilo said...

NM, was wondering about you. {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

VJ said...

big tight hugs to you NM.
hang in there.. everything will be fine soon!!
take care and lots of love !!

preetischronicle said...

sending a big warm *hug* to you...my dear dear friend.. and hoping and praying that whatever it is that bothers you will be gone soon. take care. yeah! i know of the sixth connection..i have a strong one there!

Anonymous said...

Been missing you

In love with my life said...

Missed reading you, and wondered why the delay.You sound very down, but resilient at the same time.

I wish and pray that your troubles end soon and you come out of this as a stronger, happier person.
God be with you,love to you and nino.

Drop a note, if i could be of any help at all.

girlonthebridge said...

What is this??? I wish I had read this when I was home. I am so sorry we did not connect and it is my loss entirely. I forced myself into a no-internet sabbatical, sneaking into email now and then. I am sorry NM, much strength to you. I can feel your hurt and I don't even know what it is. I hope it's so temporary that no one will ever need to know. Love.

ra said...

Do you have anyone to help you tide over this, to support you and not dismiss your sadness? If not, go and get help. Don't be alone, Please.
hug, hug, hug

Ardra said...

take care...
Love and Prayers
Ardra

Anonymous said...

I don't know u or u me.
Came here via OJ just on an instinct & the words I read here could hv come out of my own mouth.
I am right now carrying a heavy cross too & the road seems dark but as one human to another I reach out to u & say do not despair.There is light at the end of the tunnel.
God bless!

Tharini said...

Its been a couple of days. Feel a little better? Why don't you try and write...need a writing prompt?? :) How about this....what is the origin and history of the word light? :)

C'mon and write now...so many of us want to hear from you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Nino's mum,

Your post has left me with a lot of sadness.

I pray and hope that this phase that you are facing will soon pass.

You are a rare combination of being vivacious and sensible. You are a great person. I get the feeling you will come out of it stronger. Like Ra, I feel you need solid support. Please don't go through this alone. Hugs to you and Nino!

Best wishes and God bless,
Anjali

Gauri Gharpure said...

write more. even things you may chuck as random, silly, or gloomy. will help. and nino, he's your rock, no? all the best.

Grasshopper said...

Safdar Hashmi, the revolutionary, was once asked, 'Will there be singing in the dark times?' He answered, 'There will be singing of the dark times.'

Write it out, darling. If not on the blog, for yourself at least.

manisha said...

love to you.
it will pass.

Aneela Z said...

dear nm,
was not recieving updates from you for a while and had this 'cold feeling in my bone marrow' as nino would put it...crossing my fingers and toes that the silver lining of the dark cloud arrives and arrives quickly. all my prayers, a